I was 12 shots deep (approx).

I was hot.

I was front row.

I was with my friends.

I was enjoying the music.

Until I wasn’t…

Imagine having to get pulled out of front row at a concert from heat, dehydration & the anxiety felt through all of the above. I’ve always had a love for concerts & music but it really started to escalate when my friend introduced me to Timeflies spring of my sophomore year of college. It was an obsession at first listen, playing their song Stunner (acoustic) more times than I could count when we went on spring break that year. I. Could. Not. Get. Enough. The excitement of them releasing a “Timeflies Tuesday” on YouTube every week. The excitement of getting to see them live for the first time (for free & front row, yuuuus please). The excitement of meeting them for the first time & then eventually building what I call a “fanship” with them as they started to get to know us as fans on a more intimate level than just going to their shows.

The one thing I didn’t expect from the excitement of following a band around was the anxiety I started having. Once I started to get deeper & deeper into the fandom, I became part of a Timeflies fan Facebook group (where I met some of my best friends to this day) & got to meet so many people from all over who also shared that same love. We would all tweet each other our thoughts about the band as well. Meeting strangers through the internet…who would’ve thunk (it’s less sketch than you would think, but be careful yo, you never know who you may come across).

The fangirling became escalated when I would go to show after show with the fans/friends I had met through the internets. We would try to get there as early as possible, trying to compete with each other of who could get to the venue first (how silly). Here I was sitting at the venue, waiting for the doors to open, counting down the minutes until the doors open, worrying about getting my ticket scanned fast enough so that we could “walk” to the front row to secure our spot. Even if we were the first people in line, I still for some reason thought we weren’t going to make it or my ticket wasn’t going to scan or we were going to be held back or SOMETHING. I was always just worrying.

This, in turn, caused me to have anxiety. The build up of waiting all day just caused that weird panic you get when you experience anxiety. Why was I so in my head back then that I just worried about every little thing? There are still times to this day that when I am close to a speaker, at a concert, or at church during worship that I get a tightened chest just from PTSD of being front row at so many concerts. It’s a weird feeling & I try to just be mindful, let myself feel the anxiety, & know that it will pass eventually.

To any other fangirl, fanboy, concert goer, music lover, etc: let the small shit go. It will all work out how it’s supposed to. You will get the spot at the concert you want. You will get into the venue. You will most likely have a good time. & if it doesn’t go how you wanted, set lower expectations next time. Just ENJOY LIFE. Life is too short to worry & be anxious. Whatever happens, happens…

This is not a post about a recent show of Cal’s, although I’ve seen him live my fair share of times. I wanted to change things up a bit & let ya know bout his new ALBUUUUM.

So, I’ve followed and supported Cal’s music since I saw him open at a Timeflies show in 2012. I have always been a fan, but you could say I kept my distance. Didn’t follow as closely as I did other artists, etc. BUT PLEASE, let me tell you. He just released a project called Unsigned & I am OBSESSED. I have never listened to his music on repeat as much as I have with this album [except for his song Ain’t Shit Changed with Chris Brown].

A few highlights are:

Shut Up – this song is a BANGA. & Cal starts the song going OFF on why labels suck & try to control you. I FEEL YOU BRO (even tho I ain’t an artist it seems like some bull to me, tehe). Chorus is catchy, and just an all around good song.

Smash Mouth: “150 bitches that can tell you how my dick taste” okaaaaay lollll.

Blink 182 – “If you blink, I bet she gon’ pull a 180 too,” LIKE YAS PLEASE. I’m always a sucker for a good play on words. Also, the line[z] “When I meet Selena I need me at least a Weeknd. I’m already a legend I need a Chrissy Teigen“

Instincts – “On Survivor I would vote you off, you and Logan Paul yeah“ cause like, Logan Paul just ain’t that likeable am I riiiiiight?

NOOOOOW, if you’re a Taylor Swift fan, I’ve noticed a few references on the album – first would be there’s the song that is ACTUALLY named Taylor Swift (obvi). Famous line: “white girls at my show dancing like they’re Taylor Swift” (that is DEFINITELY me). There’s also a line about making seven layer dip & we from OHIO so… just wanted to point out I’m disappointed the line wasn’t about skyline dip. Okaaaaay moving on – there’s also a line in Blink 182 where he says “look what you made me do.” There’s a third one but I literally can’t remember it (hoping my girl Meg will come thru and help me remember – potential update to come).

In conclusion, (am I writing an essay, jeez Jess what the heck) I could continue on and on and on about this album, but it’s probably just time you go listen to it for yourself. He also doing videos for allll da songs (at least I think that’s the plan) so be sure to check those out too.

CLICK IT:

https://linktr.ee/calscruby

& for your viewing pleasure, here’s a throwback photo with the man himself.

This is an open letter to the band I’ve been following for *GASP* 7 years now. I wish things were the same as they were at the beginning. The excitement of the new. The excitement of the unknown. The excitement of waiting for front row. The excitement of waiting after to see if you’d come off the bus & say hello, take pics & be goofy.

I’ll never forget the first time you remembered my name. Like, how sweet was that? I never imagined my favorite band would know me, my name or even remotely care about my life. We were hanging out at a bar, on a random Thursday night, when this happened. Why can’t it be like this still?

I’ll never forget traveling and taking so many road trips on end to see you play a random college show with some of my best friends. The great feeling of hearing you call out “where are my Ohio girls at?” Why can’t it be like this still?

I’ll never forget you making us fans feel so special and loved for being as crazy as we were. But we were always there, always down & 100% supportive. Why can’t it be like this still?

We’ve grown together & grown apart. I always knew this time would come where it wouldn’t be the same as it was before but why has it come to this? It’s not over for you but it feels as if it’s over for me. I am at a constant battle with myself if I should continue to support or if I should walk away. But how can you walk away from something that has been a huge part of your life for that long? It’s just not that easy.

When you think you know someone, their values, their beliefs from following them all this time to feel like it’s been ripped from you from just one tweet. I don’t know what to believe anymore. My heart is so torn. So broken. So confused.

I want answers but is it really any of my business? No. Do I feel I am owed an explanation? Maybe. But ultimately, I don’t know you to your core and you don’t know me to my core. You really don’t owe me anything, which is the most heartbreaking part.

I don’t want this to be the end, but, my heart and my head are at a constant battle & it may be time to let things go. It was fun while it lasted. Thank you for the memories, laughs, friends made, road trips, amazing songs, amazing shows, tons of selfies & genuine love you showed me for supporting you for so long.

This may be the ultimate “post concert depression” I’ve ever, ever felt…

Have you guys ever been to a show & the artist plays their “last song” & thanks the crowd for a great night? They leave the stage & a few minutes later come back out for their encore? Pretty much the concert expectation these days, right?

I’ve always had on my mind to see a show that gives an element different to the encore. I feel it used to be a special thing the crowd would roar so loud for. These days, it definitely is something that is pre-planned into an artists set [from my experience, at least]. The only thing remotely close to something other than an encore was when I saw Ed Sheeran play a radio show in Michigan a few years ago. This was when his song, Sing, was a massive hit – he had the crowd sing along with him the lyrics: SING, oohhhweeeeohhhh, oooooohhhhh, oohhhweeeeohhhh, SING [that’s definitely not how the oh’s go, but cut me some slack LOL]. The entire crowd was singing along & all of a sudden I noticed that he was no longer on the stage. HE. WALKED. OFF. Leaving the crowd to their own accord, but also, left me wanting more. Guessing. Confused. It was such a crazy feeling & something I had never seen before. That is probably THE closest thing other than an encore that I have experience.

I’m not even sure what that would be., though I’m not an artist. I don’t have that creative production mindset that people who work concerts have. However, as a concert go-er, I am ready for SOMETHING ELSE. Yet, I’m here thinking, I don’t even know what other avenue a concert set could take other than an encore.

What I pose to the music world is: get creative, leave us guessing & wanting more. Change up the concert experience. I DARE YOU.